³ÉÈËÂÛ̳

Winning entries in the Caption Competition.

The competition is now closed.

This week it was a fan dressed as a tiger at the golf - the Open at Royal Lytham St Annes.

A small quantity of kudos to the following:

6. Alien Avenger wrote:
Tiger, tiger, gurning bright...

5. MightyGiddyUpGal wrote:
Actually, I was hoping for a Puma sponsorship.

4. GuitarKate wrote:
Open? What Open? Just coming home from my mate's stag party (hic). Mind you, if they're open again...

3. Frankonline wrote:
"Did you bring your cubs?"
"Yes, driver, putter, iron, wedge..."

2. MorningGlories wrote:
I thought we needed to beware of the lynx, actually.

1. Waldo wrote:
The Tiger Who Came To Tee.

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How about an umbrella? I'll me raincoat!
Judith, Weybridge, Surrey

"Firms paid to wake jobless teens". I've been doing this for years for free, can I claim back pay?
Henri, Sidcup

If the Stealth Fighter is the first, why is called Lightning II?
Basil Long, Nottingham

The French View of Bradley Wiggins... somehow I was expecting a picture of his back.
Di, The Castleton, North Yorkshire

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Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Bras are 600 years old.

2. The Nazis plotted to kill Sir Winston Churchill with an exploding bar of chocolate.

3. Promiscuous squid swim more slowly after sex.
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4. Mexicans drink more bottled water per capita than any other country.

5. ANC guerrillas contacted London to get the exact wording of a Julius Caesar speech.

6. Albatrosses are serially unfaithful to their long-term partners.

7. George Michael woke from his coma with a "vaguely Bristolian" accent.

8. Iron age Britons liked olives.

9. The restaurant Noma imports 22,000 live ants from Denmark every day for its starter at Claridge's.

10. Seabirds can identify their relatives by sniffing them.
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Seen a thing? Tell @³ÉÈËÂÛ̳_magazine on Twitter using the hashtag #thingIdidntknowlastweek

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor concurs with the widely-held belief the many defining characteristics of Britishness is a love of animals. Why, this columnist - who never fails to be moved by bad country and western songs about faithful companion dogs - is a prime example.

It's a theme explored by Rachel Johnson in the Daily Telegraph. She describes a pair of speeches given by two distinguished gentlemen - her own father, Stanley, and the historian Robin Lane Fox - during which both were "profoundly moved" when addressing the subjects of owls and horses respectively.

Johnson

So it's wrong to say Englishmen never show emotion. As Anatole France said: "Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." Many Englishmen (especially those separated from their mothers at an early age and shipped off to freezing prep schools, as I think were all the ones mentioned here) reserve their displays of deepest feeling for them.

It's not only eminent writers who are are prone to this tendency, as evidenced by the pact that Pudsey, a dancing border collie, bichon frise and Chinese crested cross, managed to claim victory in the show Britain's Got Talent.

Pudsey has also garnered enough fame not just to fly to Los Angeles but also to win a spot in Caitlin Moran's Times

Flown out on Cowell's private jet, Pudsey's owner, Ashleigh, reported: "Pudsey only got up once to have a mooch around - he seemed to approve of his surroundings." Given that London-LA is a good ten hours, CW thinks it gets what Ashleigh is hinting at. CW's often seen dogs in the park "mooching around", then "approving their surroundings".

However, some Britons remain immune from this affection for all things furry and feathered.

In the Daily Mail, Cosmo Landesman describes how he was dumped by his girlfriend - not for another man, but for his cat, Chloe.

Paper Monitor will not spoil the But Landesman's expression of genuine bitterness towards Chloe - this "smelly, cold-hearted, high-maintenance, neurotic moggy" is a bold move in this of all countries.

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Almost time for the Olympics! Two weeks of extoling the virtues of sporting prowess, good health and athletic achievement by getting huge numbers of people around the world to sit on the sofa and watch the telly... Possibly with snacks.
Ian, Redditch

A fish called Dawkins - I'm assuming it's not a type of sole then? I'll get my carp.
Aqua Suliser

Nominative determinism alert.
AD, London

"The property is prime real estate in Hackney..." And in one short sentence, someone sums up everything that is wrong with London in 2012.
Sue, London

Yup, as predicted in last Thursday's letters, today is dry and sunny. So, barbie's on. You're all invited.
Rob, London, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

"Only 8 days to go" to the Olympics, the Sun points out on its front page, which means it is only eight more days that the papers have to think of something to say about the Olympics without any actual sport to report.

The stories they have come up with are not going set an Olympic torch alight let alone the world on fire, but Paper Monitor thinks they do illuminate the newspapers' different perspectives.

For example, the Sun has a story about how two of the Olympic security guards are "illegals". There is not enough substance to give it the full Sun treatment, so in "The Sun Says" the paper returns to a well-worn theme, appreciating the armed forces helping out with guarding the games as well as fighting the Taliban. "Every one of them deserves a medal."

The Daily Telegraph is worried about the unions. They report a vote by immigration staff in favour of strike action over jobs. The paper says this threatens strike chaos before the Games and was condemned as "unpatriotic". Paper Monitor is unsure that the Telegraph could use an adjective it would find more damning.

The Daily Mirror doesn't go on the "unpatriotic" line but does report that employees are angry at job cuts, pay freezes, privatisation and "victimisation sackings". As Labour's most loyal supporter in the press, it's also interested in why the former Labour Prime Minister, Gordon Brown won't be at the opening ceremony.

"It may be that he has an engagement he simply cannot alter," a source says helpfully.

The Times plays on its long history and calls itself "The Paper of Records", offering a special pull-out featuring some old photographs.

The Guardian tries to keep its reputation as the paper for serving those who work in the media with a story about a row between the opening ceremony's director Danny Boyle and the company broadcasting the games.

And the Daily Star goes for sex, of course, saying that the Team GB football team is staying in the same block as all the sexiest female competitors.

So which paper surprised Paper Monitor? The Daily Express didn't run a headline saying "Weather will ruin games". Indeed, it sees no disaster ahead.

Instead its editorial says we should keep the rash of games stories in perspective. "Olympics will be magical", it tootles.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells is a familiar meme from newspaper letters pages down the years.

But take a quick glance over any paper's missives on any given day and you're drenched in a volcanic eruption of rage.

Readers can get angry over anything. British films having their premiere first in the US. Raaaah. Reality TV stars. Raaaaaaaaaaah. Charity street collectors. Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.

Paper Monitor doesn't want to sound too much like the Caramel bunny, but couldn't they just take it easy for a bit?

Take today's Sun. Norman from Neath is fuming.

"After the outburst from Tiger Woods over the long rough I have only one word for him: 'Tough'. This is not America where your courses are geared to make it easy. We amateurs play with rough like this, so get on with it."

He's possibly only mildly irked, but Peter from Ipswich is well narked.

"So the French city of Angers want compensation for the murder of Edward Plantagenet. How about compensation for the soldiers, sailors and airmen killed defending and liberating France in two world wars."

The story in question struck Paper Monitor as merely a fun publicity stunt from a bored city council. They're not really going to claim compensation for a 16th Century killing, are they Peter?

Over in the Daily Mail, sweeping generalisations are the order of the day.

Two opening paragraphs:

"Nobody, not even the French, objects to people making a lot of money...", writes Peter. In France. Paper Monitor appreciates you can speak for the French and the British, but nobody in the whole world? Not Class War or the WRP? Really?

And then:

"You don't have to be a seafarer to know the meaning of 'bosun' (boatswain or bo's'n), a warrant officer of petty officer in charge of a ship's deck, crew, rigging, anchors and cables," writes Neil in Co Down.

Paper Monitor can only surmise that Neil lives in a world entirely inhabited by pub quiz buffs.

Then over in the Daily Star, there's Textmaniacs...

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At six months, Marissa Mayer will be "showing" a fair bit, but calling her an aid to navigation is going a bit far.
Rik Alewijnse, Feering, UK

I know she may be a little bigger than usual with her baby bump, but isn't this a bit harsh?
Jim, Crowborough

It's his job, his vocation. This could be the answer to increase employment in our country. Are they offering NVQs in this and where does one apply?
Judith, Weybridge, Surrey

surely has to be headline of the day.
Tommy Scragend, Wigan

It's not true that people live longer in Swindon. It only seems so as you go round the roundabouts.
adrian, London, UK

Professional Lego Builders? Why was I not informed of this as an option by my school careers advisor?
Rob, London

I'm not an engineer, but won't this melt when they test it?
Ed Loach, Clacton, UK

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Colin, A Budweiser Clydesdale is a horse bred specifically for can..tering. And there's more....a team of six is known as a six-pack. Yours apologetically....martin
Martin Pearson, Hoosick Falls,Upstate NY,USA

"People like to be by the seaside": The researchers said living in areas such as Skegness, St Ives or Scarborough was linked to a "small, but significant" improvement in health." Presumably, on that basis, the same would apply to those living in South Shields or Swindon or anywhere else beginning with an 'S'.
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

Re, Buzz's letter, isn't "nearly impossible" just a longer way of saying "possible".
Al, Wellington NZ

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Above and beyond all else, one complaint has dominated British discourse in recent weeks - the weather. Can't something be done?

It's a refrain that the Times' leader takes, tongue-in-cheek, as its own, as part of its continuing "campaign" (first launched last week) for an end to the drizzle.

"There has been an Arab Spring," today's column . "Now there must be a British Summer."

It's a witty and amusing idea. So witty and amusing, in fact, that it also occurred to the Independent's Steve Richards.

He

This rotten, rainy, grey, sodden summer demands a response. It must be more than impotent groans of despair or annoyingly defiant calls to carry on as if the sun were shining. It must take the form of a radical, new approach to public policy for a stormy island that does not get summers, yet acts as if it does.

Paper Monitor gets the idea. And then turns to the Sun - the newspaper, that is, not the celestial entity, obscured as so often it currently is - which, it seems, has also been thinking along similar lines.

"The Sun has decided enough is enough and today takes action on behalf of our readers to sort out what is rapidly becoming the worst summer EVER," a double-page spread begins.

The tabloid has commissioned Canon David Meara of St Bride's Church in Fleet Street, London, to compose a prayer beseeching the almighty for better weather.

It also has a cut-out petition that the Met Office puts a stop to "unacceptable" climactic conditions.

All very droll, but there can be too much of a good thing. Paper Monitor blames the Times' Janice Turner for sparking all this on Saturday with her call for a

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Re 10 things "It's nearly impossible to poison an opossum". It is also nearly impossible to say that 10 times quickly
Buzz, L

I had previously thought that London was getting the most benefit from the Olympics. Now I hear that their roads are to be severely restricted, I am not so sure. Is it all because athletes expect to be in a lane all to themselves?
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

"Pirate Bay ban dip 'short-lived' " Here was me thinking that this story was going to be about a temporary ban on swimming somewhere (maybe to do with the recent shark attacks). How wrong can I be?
Henri, Sidcup

Would Magazine Monitor care to tell me just what sort of breed of horse is a "Budweiser Clydesdale"? (see this week's Caption comptetition.
Colin Fraser, Stewarton, Scotland

Re Percy the pigeon, that'll teach him to use the predictive text feature on his satnav !

Paul Greggor, London

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

With the Olympics just under two weeks away, the newspapers are upping the ante by the day.

So it is hardly surprising that the sudden end to Bruce Springsteen's concert in London's Hyde Park on Saturday was music to the ears of sub-editors who penned their best puns for the occasion.

Take the Times leader. It seems as if the whole piece was structured to build up to the groan. First, under the headline we are told that "Hyde Park organisers opt for the sound of silence".

Then the leader notes if this sort of thing spreads, it could have serious implications for this summer's cultural and sporting highlights.

"The triple jump could be done as a hop and a skip and the marathon as a quick run round the block. And surely some of the races should be speeded up by scrapping those hurdles which just seem to get in the way," it says.

But you get the impression the leader is most amused at the punchline.

"Paul Simon played all of Graceland but not the Simon & Garfunkel hits some older fans had hoped to hear. Apparently he dropped plans to do Parsley, Sage, Rosemary because he didn't have time," it says.

Song lyrics are out in force in other papers too, with the Daily Mirror saying Springsteen and Paul McCartney were left "Dancing in the dark", while the Daily Star advises the "jobsworth officials" which pulled the plug to "Let it Be!" next time.

Meanwhile, the Daily Mail says Saturday was the and the Daily Telegraph also alludes to the American rock star's nickname, saying .

But Paper Monitor notes there is nothing quiet about today's coverage.

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