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Now then...Now then...
So there I was, standing in a 成人论坛 studio staring ominously at the large steel microphone that was poised in front of me. I was looking slick, dressed to the nines in a white dress-shirt, a burgundy tie and a sharp black suit with a red carnation placed neatly in my lapel. Two hours ago I had been in attendance at a wonderful wedding reception in Grays, Essex. I now found myself about to take part in an impromptu, unscheduled live radio broadcast with Russell in Hawaii on the other end of a phone line.
Matt was at Noel Gallagher's Birthday party and so I had to stand in as a last-minute co-host. I'd only arrived just a few minutes before transmission and so Russell tried to quickly give me a "reassuring" pre-show chat about what needed to be done:
"Don't worry Gee, you'll be fine. All that you have to do is: read the odd e-mail out, line up the music, write your little poem and keep up with my brilliance! Whoo-Hoo!! we're live again!!....citin' isn't it?....Let's go!!"
"err...yeah" (gulp!)
Two minutes before showtime, Mikey adjusts my headphones and checks the sound levels before lacing me with another glorious piece of information:
"Hey Gee, just to let you know that we've been experiencing some minor technical difficulties with the connection to Hawaii. So if the line goes down, you may have to cover it up on-air to buy some time for us to fix it. Don't worry mate, it'll only take about 30 mins tops to reconnect..."
"30 minutes you say?...Fan-Dabbi-bloody-Dosey!", I looked up to the ceiling and whispered a silent request to the one mystical being who I knew had it within his power to aid my plight:
"(Ahem) Dear Jim, can you please fix it for me to get through the next two hours without any electronic glitches?....pwetty please??"
....and so it came to pass!
(Matt's back next week to recount his tales from the "party" and can someone PLEASE tell me if there actually was a Jim'll Fix it episode where a kid wanted to burn money?)
A Composite of Opposites
It now appears that the opposite of good has been overtook by the opposite of bad,That makes us the opposite of last in the podcast charts,
and so, if you'd care to ask?
Yes, we are the opposite of sad!
From opposing sides of the earth,Between different horizons there lurks,
Jimmy Saville alone with Marsha who's sporting the opposite of a smirk.
While Russell fails miserably with David Walliams to be the opposite of a flirt!
We're "Live" so I'm nervously awake.Usually we pre-record with Matt on board...
...the time? (hah!) the opposite of late!
Where we always look the opposite of great,
How preposterous is Fate?
That the listeners send Noel Fielding well wishes,
With misquoted mistakes, all done with the opposite of hate.
And so in fact it would be rude,If I failed to show the opposite of ingratitude,
To those tuning in weekly as a must,
Here's some "actual Love",
From the opposite of you towards the opposite of us!
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Mild Tremors
It's been around 2 months, several early starts and countless cups of coffee since Russell departed from these shores to venture forth into movieland. I must admit that since he's been gone, I've actually started to miss the crazy guy! Now don't you go telling him this or else his head will start inflating to dangerous proportions. This may cause a serious seismic disturbance which could even affect the Earth's gravitational field (definitely an environmental no-no). But seriously, sometimes I might be walking down a certain street and suddenly think of a Brand anecdote and then it hits me, "Wow! he's been gone for quite a while now hasn't he?"
Last Sunday, I found myself outside of a little pub in Chalk Farm (North London) called "The Enterprise". I casually glanced at a tiny upstairs room above the main bar and I quickly did a double-take: "Hey! Me and Russell used to do shows here ages ago!". I laughed to myself as I recalled that on one particular night the audience was bare (not naked.....sadly.....just a low turnout in numbers) with only about 10 people in attendance. We still put on a good show but afterwards Russell was in a sullen contemplative mood.
"Gee?" he exclaimed "Do you realise that while we've been here performing some great material to this miniscule crowd, David Blaine has been sitting up in a box by the river Thames doing nothing in front of hundreds?"
"Yeah," I replied, "The audience was kinda slim tonight, still it wasn't that bad. Good thing that your mum and her friends turned up though...."
"Hmmmmm" sighed Russell.
It wasn't long before he started energetically planning some other hair-brained concept for the next show. The exact details now escape me, it was probably involved a giant snail racing contest or a lecture on the dangers of Terminator 2! Still, being outside the old stomping grounds did make me get a little nostalgic. That's when it hit me, "Wow! he's been gone for quite a while now hasn't he?". At that precise moment, there was a mild tremor and I felt the earth shift ever-so-slightly, "Uh Oh," I thought, "The ego has awoken!"
The Quest for Number One
If I happened to claim that just over the rainbow........was a fabled place called "somewhere",
Would you glance at me strangely? Or allow me to explain though...
.....how you too could be enabled to come here.
It lies amidst the littered crisps and newpaper clips in a scrapbook,
Consists of impressive gifts, a bikini kiss...
...while a "dirty" vest with a twist is more Matt's look!
Come take a walk with me to explore bags without beans,
Or balls within bags for a Brand-sack shag scene
Captain Caveman screams "Give her a sheet" in case exchanging the corn gets too painful,
So join the patrol as Russ, Matt and Noel search for Radio Gold, somewhere over the rainbow!
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Sing a Song of Sixpence
After much speculation and Government intrigue, the countless rumours have finally been placed to rest. During the last week, numerous negotiations and several clandestine meetings have been held (with the powers that be) in the hope to eventually resolve the political state of affairs. So, it is with a heavy heart that I can now formally announce: there will be no new podcast of the Russell Brand show available during the week following the Eurovision Song Contest!
Understandably the aftermath of this news has been dramatic. Tony Blair decided that he couldn't go on anymore, Gordon Brown has admitted that mistakes have been made. Alan Sugar expressed his "condolences" (he kindly sent us some flowers along with some DVD copies of the Leonardo DiCaprio film "Catch Me if you Can"). Even Mikey, our studio whiz-kid, has put himself forward to assist any distressed listeners who need help in getting through this "difficult time" by offering his shoulder to cry on (what a trooper!).Actually, I reckon that Russell should've put in his own bid for the Eurovision Song Contest. Perhaps he still should perform a duet with Noel Gallagher and sing "Islands in the Stream" or maybe he and Matt could cover the De La Soul classic "3 is a Magic Number"...... What say you?
With no show being aired, alas there is no poem (sniff).
Anyway, here's a reworking of one that I did last year giving my take on the curiously fascinating world of celebrity:
The Ballad of the Wandering Star
Abandon all sleepYe who would seek to find solace complete amidst celebrity's streets
Abandon quiet nights in,
Ye who would speak of it's delights and,
Headlines and Camera Flashlights that bring .........promise awaiting to be seen.
Abandon such fears of the dark,
Ye who would willingly embark,
To be flung into the light and left to craft... their artistic dream.
Bring me your show of burning gold,
Bring me your flyers fuelled with desire,
Bring me your five-star reviews....oh clouds unfold!
Ring me your showbiz agencies... I'm available for hire.
Yes, abandon humility,
Reservedness and fragility,
For Ostentation and extravaganza form the order of the day,
Abandon all reality,Bathe yourself in sweet insanity,
Imbue concoctions of elixir vanity,
As the spotlight's clarity clears the way.
For our Stars will rise and fall between each curtain call,As they are lost in the enthrall of the cheers and tears,
So stand firm on platforms tall, toast this career and deck the halls,
Abandon it all except for the sheer...
....abandonment of it all
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The Revolution will NOT be scrutinized
Like most of the general public, I sometimes wonder what really goes on within that magical realm of expanse that is Russell Brand's mind. It's just that recently, since he's been away, I get the distinct impression that he now pictures himself as some sort of revolutionary leader in exile. Much like Napoleon was imprisoned on the island of Elba, maybe Russell too sees his role as that of a banned visionary on the verge of ushering in a new era of "Brand-dom" (able was I ere I saw.....Hawaii?).
To be fair, this isn't the first time that Matt and I have heard such reactionary talk from the man himself. A few of you may be familiar with the May Day riots in central London some years ago, when Russell tried to "stick it to The Man" on behalf of the people. In a bid to symbolise the relinquishing of all forms of consumerism, he decided to strip off his clothes and proudly exhibit his family jewels before London's Metropolitan Police Force.......however, they were not readily amused by his little visual analogy!
Well, shortly after that painful episode, Russell had another flash of inspiration to take a further stand against materialism. He assembled this motley crew of comedians, poets, actors and other performers with the intent of holding some sort of artistic street demonstration. What we hoped to achieve still isn't clear to this day, but we all assembled for this secret underground meeting to discuss a plan of action and try to clear up a few points of uncertainty. We weren't so much like the Black Panthers, we were more like the Beige Puddy Tats!
At the meeting, Russell answered several questions from the group:
Q: "So what exactly is this demonstration for?"
Russell: "We artists will be using our talents to take a stand against materialistic and shallow culture!"Q: "And where will it be held?"
Russell: "Outside of all the big stores on Oxford Street!"Q: "Why Oxford Street?"
Russell: "..err...because there's lots of nice girls who go shopping there(?)"Q: "What happens if some of the stores offer us free stuff in a bid to move us on?"
Russell: "We will NEVER sell-out! We'll protest until the end! We'll die for our art!!!.... (However, if they're offering some nice little fancy boots... we might move on.... just a little bit!)"Sadly, (as you may have guessed) there wasn't a second meeting, the anarchic dream was then put on hold when Russell had to go into re-hab. So who knows what subversive schemes he is cooking up for his return to these shores. With baited breath, we can only wait and see...
(Being a comic-book fan I had Spiderman 3 on my mind during the show, hence this week's poem:)
No More Heroes anymore
As Spider-Man swings through the city at night,If we were true superheroes, think what we'd be like?
I reckon I'd favour Batman: the incognito attack-man,
Moving under the cover of darkness, pursuing females who dress like cats.....(damn!)
Matt plans on taking risks with "flying jackets" like Daredevil,Enduring sniffles, facing whistles as he listens to Heavy-Metal,
The world is threatened...
...by demonic cockerels, boob-job yobs and Dog the Bounty Hunter,
Narcissistic Dick and the villanous tricks of the Evil Shop Master!
To combat such disaster, who could Russell be with all these G.I.'s on the scene?An "ex-man" like Dame Edna or an "X-man" like Wolverine?
How about Obi-Wan-Kenobi, Teen-Wolf, or even Boba Fett?
More like: Hanging out with Spotty, for he's got to be Super-Ted!
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The Son has Got His Hat On
The sun really came out to play this weekend. Everywhere I looked I saw: brighter colours, tighter tops, freshly washed cars, people socialising outside of bars and glorious glorious sunshine! It's amazing how the weather can make all the difference to a person's mood and general outlook. As I left the radio station on Saturday morning I had a little kick in my step and smile on my face as I greeted the sun's rays and welcomed the day.
It was a good day indeed, later on I was invited to go around to a friend's house for a birthday party. There was food, there was drink, music was playing and everyone was enjoying themselves. That is until someone decided that we should all play in a "friendly" game of Monopoly. Now I don't know about you, but I have yet to be involved in a game of Monopoly that didn't have a serious side to it. There's just something about that game that brings out the competitive side of people....(ok...I admit, usually in men!).
I remember a few years back, I was around Russell's mum's house with a few mates and we also decided to play a "friendly" game of Monopoly. It started off innocently enough, with Russell jovially demanding a recount when he drew a Community Chest card which stated that he'd won only "the second prize in a beauty pageant!". He also insisted on constantly trying to doff the little steel top hat while speaking in Dickensian tones every time he landed on Whitechapel.
The game continued and with each roll of the dice the pace quickened. Old friendships and years of shared recollections counted for naught, as several pairs of eyes scanned the board seeking different ways in which to outdo each other. Despite our desire to win, we all played that cool nonchalant game of pretending "not to take it too seriously". Every now and then though, our facade would be exposed by the little yelps of despair let out when the dice inevitably betrayed us.
In the midst of all this was Russell's mum. She tried to temper the growing competitive mood with well-placed offerings of tea and biscuits. Looking back now, I can see that this was a part of her ingenious plan(!) For while the guys were all trying to out-strategise and out-manoevre each other, she sailed around the board undetected. In the end, she won by bankrupting everybody and buying up everything (literally!).
It was probably the most comprehensive victory in a game of Monopoly that I'd ever witnessed! Wherever you landed on the board, Russell's mum would be waiting there to collect her rent and offer you a digestive biscuit! The game concluded with Russell doffing his little hat and making the apt declaration "Guys, I'm going to jail....it's just too scary with my mum out there!"
It must've been the biscuits!
Beating The ClockMy watch-face is glistening and time is still listening,
To my lone pen's quick-scribbling,
As it curves and bends towards the finishing.....line
And so now I'm delivering my synopsis of the show,The clock dictates the flow and plots the way it goes:
Tick Tock, Streams Crossed?..... We ain't afraid of no Ghosts!!
The ink explodes as I'm told about Russell's "Multi-functional" coat,My hand swerved as I heard about the surf-instructor's abode,
Conducting the code as we market a new Brand of cologne,
Made from freshly-squeezed "Ormonds" causing Casper to moan,
In the zone where Matt magically "releases" as the pressure unloads,The revolution is coming with a mallet and it's hitting the road,
The clock interrupts abruptly and screams our time's up:
My pen then goes to sleep,
Job complete,
Until it's released for next week's write-up!
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