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Of Mice and Men
Testing... Testing... One, two.... Testing....
I'm just checking in to see if everything is still functioning at Radio 2 after everyone's temperatures were raised just a touch during the last show! For those of you who didn't tune in live (I'll order a single portion of shame for you...) or for those who haven't as yet downloaded the podcast (....make that a double!), you did indeed miss our evening's proceedings take an unusual turn.
This was "unwittingly" brought about by the entrance of two rather exotically attired young females who were sporting nothing more than: some well-placed lettuces, a special award, and a beautiful pair of smiles!
They were in fact two official representatives of P.E.T.A. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and had generously swung by to present Russell with an award for winning "The World's Sexiest Vegetarian". After quite literally bringing the man to his knees, they then placed a tiny little lettuce crown on his bonce and told "Mr Sexy-Veggie" to arise.
And "arise" he did..... as did we all(!) So much so in fact, that the three of us became instantly transformed into a confused mass of stumbling testosterone, all hoping to catch a loose leaf of iceberg! It was a pitiful sight to behold; three grown men, the supposed moral vanguards of the new revolution, suddenly reduced into three blind mice all competing for a small piece of soya cheese! (Bartender... a make that a triple-shot of shame for me and the boys!).
However, I...(cough)... tried to keep my usual calm demeanour and ...(ahem)... maintain a genuine level of civil decorum and professionalism around the company of these ladies (who do, after all, represent a very worthy cause). But by the quick darting looks that were present within both Matt and Russell's ever-expanding pupils, I could see that we all invariably shared the same inescapable mathematical realisation: "OK... there's two of them and three of us... someone's going out like a gooseberry... and it AIN'T gonna be me!!!"
Next week, Russell and Matt will be broadcasting from L.A. as they attempt to pitch their scripts in Hollywood. Meanwhile, I'll be all alone at home in London, baking a Gooseberry pie!
The Disclaimer
It's kinda necessary for the young to rebel against the old,Being the first step of a searching process, that is to question what you're told,
In an attempt to break the mold,
Or an attempt to fix a poll,
Revolution always involves a re-appraisal of your "Ba-pinions" and your role,
Lettuce bikinis take their toll as a new king has been crowned,
I'm talking about Matt: the best darn "Button Box" man that's in town,
Damn, it's kinda difficult to do this show with so much naked flesh around,
It really tests a man's principles, like placing a fox amongst the hounds!
I admit we've been tongue-tied as our lungs have expired,
While Paul in Glastonbury stuck crotch-high.... in mud,
We'll supervise as we're chilling high and dry,
But for any lapses in concentration, we sincerely apologise!
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Welcome Back
T'was the night of the homecoming and there was a hush in the air. Matt had carefully selected some of the tunes for the playlist and Mr Nibs was hiding away, ready to be brought out as our "special guest". Downstairs in the foyer there were several gifts and cards from well-wishers all awaiting to be opened. The radio studio had been adorned by Mikey, with a multitude of multicoloured trinkets and decorations (all lavishly purchased from the local 拢1 store). There was an impressive array of balloons, paper hats, party horns and the obligatory shiny "Welcome Home!" signs that were affixed to every available wall, strangely conjuring up the setting of an inmate's prison release party.
Yes this was the one single event that we'd been anticipating all week! (...well...er... actually I was quite excited about seeing the Silver Surfer in the new Fantastic Four movie.... and I was also looking forward to hanging out with my Dad on Father's Day.....um....oh yeah... I was also kind of chuffed that Paul Potts won "Britain's Got Talent" as well :). Nonetheless (I digress), Saturday's show marked the return of Mr Russell Brand to these shores and our first unified live broadcast in months.
To be honest, Russell seemed slightly out-of-step on Saturday, I don't think that he's fully acclimatised yet and is still soaking in the reality of returning back to Blighty. You know how it is, have you ever been away from home and then romantically built up an imaginary image of Britain? While you're abroad, you might picture yourself driving around with Michael Caine in a Mini Cooper, chilling with Ant & Dec in Byker Grove or helping DangerMouse to rescue Penfold. Then you finally get back, it's raining, there's a ton of bills on your front doormat and you hear that the local swans have dry beaks... it's enough to make you hit the panic button!
Still it was good to see the man himself and interesting to hear him singing away. Personally, I'm waiting for the Tim Westwood "Thomas the Tank Engine" remix myself!
(apologies to all who wrote in correcting me when I mentioned that there were 20 "backs" in this weeks' poem.... ok...I exaggerated a "leetle" bit! At least give me some props for slipping in a Beatle song reference eh?).
Back For the First Time
Trying to get back to where you once belongedis a trek-back with flashbacks that has you singing along,
And moving cameras in the background,
But now you've touched back down,
Unpacked the backpack to pose bareback for PETA's chart countdown!
A Bachelor in the Art of winning backstage hearts,
Sporting the party regalia of Bacchanalia,
And with an insane back log of gifts,
Left back to be opened by Mr Nibs...... with a blast!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch.
A man watches swans for so long, then backs away from his task.
Still now you're back home to flex your backbone,
Clear your throat to back-up the singing...
Don't press the panic button, just lie back and think of England!
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Last of the Summer Coco Pops
And so there it was... in a nutshell; the concluding chapter of the "Hawaii broadcasts", put out and set adrift amidst the sea of podcasting uncertainty for all to download and enjoy. Just after I had uttered the last remaining syllables of my poem and just before we'd headed off heroically into the news, I brought out that cheap plastic horn and honked it for one last time as a fitting salute. It's majestic fanfare and melodic harmonics sent a resounding shockwave around the studio, standing as a proud testament to all involved that simply declared, "We made it!".
It's been quite an experience doing all these long distance shows via what Matt jokingly refers to as "The 成人论坛's most expensive phone call!". Every week Matt, Mikey and myself would all collectively meet up like Charlie's Angels and converse with a small speaker-box in the studio from which Russell's distant voice would emanate. Pleasantries would be exchanged, small-talk would be made and tantrums would be quelled, all of which would all eventually lead to: "The Infamous Coco Pops Pre-Show Ritual".
This seemingly ancient tribal chant, was the means by which Russell and Matt would try and gauge the time delay on the phone line by singing the well-known breakfast cereal theme tune:
Russell: "I'd rather have a bowl of...."
Matt: "Oh, are we starting now?"
Russell: "Yeah c'mon mate, we need to check the delay. I rather have a bowl of.............."
Matt: "..........Coco Pops!"
Russell: "No No No, that's waaaay too long....Mikey you gotta fix it!"
At this point Mikey would throw his hands in the air and exclaim like Scotty from Star Trek "I cannae fix it Captain, if I push it any further the engine's gonna blow!". He'd then spend the next few minutes frantically pushing buttons, twisting dials and pulling several levers, before finally smiling and giving us the thumbs-up.
Russell: "I'd rather have a...
Matt: "..Coco Pops!"
Russell: ".....bowl of... Hey, wait-a-minute!! Mikey, what HAVE you done???"
Next week, Russell will be back and ready for action on his home turf. So join us for the reunion, the emotion and a revolution of confusion as Mr "Sexy Dancing" himself shows us his Brand new moves.....(sigh) I can see a new pre-show ritual occurring!
The Second Coming
As wise men charted from afar the secret paths of the stars,Of the moons,
Of the planets,
Three-fourths water, one part granite,
Let's take an expansive view, to select what we can choose,
Matt's "kitchen roll" comparisons and excessive salmon fish abuse,
Call the recruits: a few monkeys dressed in delusional suits?
"Let them eat cake!" will be the cry before the revolution ensues.
The soldiers are exercising,
The students are revising,
As their "righteous" leader wears a nappy, the situation?....compromising!
But look to the skies and try to visualise a world beyond the strife and the hate,
Beyond the words that cause the hurt, just let the dancers gyrate,
As we await the special sign a Shark Messiah's being born.
Let's celebrate the second coming to the sound of the horn!
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A New Age
Yes best beloved, it's once again reached that time of the year in the "Brand Annual Calendar" where the big man himself will be actively seeking extra praise and attention (as if we could give any more?). In the past it's been suggested by Russell, that the 4th of June should be declared the first worldwide public holiday where all mankind should be peaceful, loving and give each other a cuddle! This statement was however quickly retracted once it was pointed out to him that all the shops, restaurants and taxi firms would effectively be shut on that day, meaning that he'd probably have to spend his entire birthday stuck at home doing nothing. Saying that though, I know that he's got a quite a heavy filming schedule this week, so I doubt that he's going to be doing much celebration this time around..
It was great to see Matt back in the proverbial "Hot Seat" and t'was good to do another live transmission, where we can have all the people calling/texting and e-mailing in (trust me, your input really does add to the show's magic). I tend to view our broadcasts as essentially being events of "mad improvisation", where the comedy (and the poetry for that matter) is always born of the moment. So Matt "sacrificing" Mikey's plastic inflatable cow live-on-air really did have to be done in a bid to symbolically purge this world of the evil of bigotry. Obviously, Mikey was a bit upset (he'd apparently raised that cow since it was just a "wee lil' calf" in his tiny box of toy farmyard animals!). After the show we sat him down and explained to him that in every Revolution there are unavoidable consequences but also that the world will soon be a better place.
Ahhh.....the Revolution! how long have we dreamed of a world united by Peace, Respect and mutual Understanding? Actually in the past, Russell and I have had many deep conversations on a huge range of subjects often highlighting the pains and woes of modern society. Unfortunately in many cases some of our initial ideals would tend to drift off sometimes:
"Gee, we need to use our talents to help usher in a new age of tolerance between the different genders, races, religions and sexualities"
"Yes, art can indeed be used as a powerful tool to help promote thought within people"
"Exactly! I use comedy and you use poetry but we both want our audiences to think for themselves about the world in which they live"
"That's true, nobody wants to be preached to. People like to be given time to come to their own conclusions"
"And........if certain female members of the audience suddenly come to the 'conclusion' that they wish to sleep with us?"
"Well Russell..... in every Revolution there are (cough) unavoidable consequences!"
"Whoo hoo!!!! this Revolution sounds like fun!"
So send in your birthday wishes, suggestions for the grand home-coming or simply tell us what you did on June 4th to promote peace. Don't let the sacrifice of Mikey's plastic cow have been in vain..... keep the Revolution alive!
Party Time
It's your party,You can cry if you want to,
Realise you belong too,
Going 'Live' has been long due,
Improvised and impromptu,
All the pinyatas you've gone through,
That's why the people smile with "Gypsy Eyes" while their dials are locked on "2"
It's on you, combatting all this guinea-pig voodoo,
Matt's explained his lack of "Confacting" so we're back with the full crew,
He's also explained the Watershed in terms of a tin-roof,
Let's see if we can explain Cocoa Pops to all the rioting troops!
I'm well and truly stumped to find something rhyming with "Month",
It'll be easier for me to open a shark cage and just wait for the crunch!
So be it Mikey's cow deflating or a ventriloquist's tour,
Laugh, Cry and Smile if you want to, because this party is yours.
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