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The Tunnel of Love
Those of you who have been regularly following the show, will by now be well aware of Matt Morgan's aspirations to create a documentary about the secret tunnels that are within the U.K. You'll probably also be amused by the several enthusiastic attempts made by Russell to help pitch this idea to the all-powerful media chiefs. Now the "media chiefs" are a bit like the "movie moguls" in the sense that nobody knows who they are, but they do make big things happen (not to be confused with the "newspaper fat-cats" who get to print big headlines or "Top Cat" who close friends get to call T.C.).
During the last show, the guys were given the green light to go forth and create a pilot for the program and they both gave their suggestions. Now this is where the fun begins for me. I know for a fact that Matt has quite a keen interest in the historical aspect of caves and tunnels and I can easily see him studying away for hours to compile a well-researched and thoroughly informative piece of film-making. Educational, entertaining, measured.
Russell, on the other hand, will no doubt favour the more sensationalist approach: sex, scandal, showgirls, big musical numbers and a cast of thousands will somehow be worked into the script. So you may happen to see it all starting off with Matt leading a team of archeologists into an old abandoned treasure cave used by 15th century pirates. If, however, the cave then leads out into a yellow-brick road and you end up seeing a dancing troupe of scantily-dressed pixies accompanied by a chorus of singing ferrets... then you'll know where Russell's inspirational input began!
So what other documentaries do you think that the lads should apply their creative juices to? I think that they should re-unite the cast of the Bugsy Malone film and see where they are now, I wonder what Fat Sam's doing these days?
A Little Bit Of Everything
I'm the mics in the studio,
I absorb the madness,
I take in all the thoughts and ponderings,
To transmit all the gladness,
Such as...Escaping the land of Fairies by the skin of our teeth,
Obtaining the ancient rhino horn to fight the spirit of parking schemes,
It hardly seems feasible that Brown and Brand could ever meet.
For a little piece of "face-time" to push the envelope out into the street,
I'm the switches being flipped, the music being played,The crazy links to the "newsy-poos", the tunes that make your day,
Who's to say that Bugsy Malone won't ever lead the way,
As the anthem of the revolution or to Noel's love egg parade?
Matt's still tunnelling away on his phone playing the snake game,Russell sold it with a rock & roll bid to control it and make it more insane!
I'm the pad on which Gee writes,
His poem left to recite,
Concluding a night of chuckling delights,
I'm the last breath on the mic...
I am everything
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Tiffs about the Smiths
The last show was precorded "Hawaii style" with Russell in Manchester (surrounded by adoring fans) and myself and Matt in London (surrounded by....er...a slightly less adoring Mikey). Considering that we'd managed several trans-continental transmissions in the past, you would've thought that negotiating of the North/South UK divide would've been a simplistic piece of pistachio.....wouldn't it?
Saturday afternoon: we were all ready to roll and rearing to go, the music had been lined up, the mic-checks had been done and the audience were in position, standby for action. Just before we were about to commence, Russell requested that we play "Lucky Lisp" by Morrissey as one of the songs for the show. Unfortunately it wasn't in the tracklistings on the system and to procure it would've required someone frantically running down to the nearest music store, so Matt and I just told him to let it slide and just get on with the pre-record.
Forgetting how big a "die-hard Morrissey-extremist" Russell is, this comment resulted in him throwing a little wobbly about music (and admittedly, us all joining in). It was a bit like three teenagers having an argument over who their favourite group is, except that we weren't in a dimly lit messy upstairs bedroom and also the possibility of somebody's mum coming in to break it all up was highly unlikely!
Eventually the song was found (one of the Manchester audience members had it on her iPod), it was loaded into the system and everybody calmed down. During the recording, it was actually quite funny to hear Russell and Matt giving each other little subliminal digs on-air, they even brought in a piano to add to the verbal sparring. By the end of the show we all had a laugh about it, I guess that the moral of the story is... Don't mock the Morrissey (...or the Metallica....or the Ice Cube! :)
A Letter to the BetterPlace a stamp on a letter and post it to the heavens,
Seal it with a wish, just enough for good measure,
For it's moments like this that you'll treasure, despite the bad weather,
Connecting the North to the South with a little Morrissey to make it better,
Write a note to your MP or PM number 10 to see,
Matt Morgan's "Secret Jedi Tunnels" where Russell's goat skulls with the diamonds be,
And we finally see, the intricate workings of a honey bee,
Or the slaying of piano playing with an ever-wailing cockney theme,
Put a message in a bottle and cast it among the waves,
We'd jump over candlesticks quick to hear a quartet of minges singing in the rain!
But a noble stand HAS to be made, for the revolution to pave a way,
So queue up outside the ivory towers to watch us give the bling away!
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Saving Private Russell
(Whew!!)....What a day! 70,000 people packed into Wembley stadium, over 100 different bands performing at seven different concerts in six different continents. This was all a part of the "Live Earth" series of shows, aimed to help in promoting the idea of us saving the planet by reducing our carbon emissions. Of course, the irony that an inevitable carbon footprint would be created by the very staging of such an event did not escape some detractors. But on the whole, I think that raising people's awareness is always a good thing and besides, I'm sure that we all agree that the planet does need saving on many different levels.
One man who almost certainly needed salvation of some sort, was the host extraordinaire: Mr Russell Brand. Aside from introducing some of the acts, giving TV interviews and presenting the live radio show (with an extra hour), Russell was struggling with a serious migraine. I was sitting with Matt in the back of our tiny little tin shack of a mobile studio (parked in some forgotten car park located beneath the stadium) when he received the ominous call, "Matt, I've got a blinding headache...I can't see". Hardly the words that anyone wants to hear at the best of times, especially not when we're in the middle of a huge worldwide concert and millions of people are waiting.
Yet a few migraine pills later and it was all stations go! What happened next is still a blur to me. Russell was rushed from the main stage into different studios then back onto the main stage again throughout the day. He was followed around by Mikey who was carrying a little transmitting pack and a microphone so that we could have Russell presenting the radio show as much as possible. Wembley is a very large stadium, so back in the hut we could see this huge mass of stylised hair darting around everywhere at a frenetic pace. One minute he was in the TV studios, the next minute he was on stage, then he'd suddenly appear back into the radio studio for a brief chat before being magically whisked away somewhere else..... (I'm sure that I even saw him dancing in the crowds at some point!).
I don't know how he got through it with blistering migraine, I mean there was barely anytime for him to eat, drink or....er....(anyway, moving along!), but it all made for a fascinating show. Russell managed to place his bid to become the next Dr Who, competed with Madonna to impress a group of school children and declared his "interest" for one of the Pussycat Dolls (only he couldn't remember which one!). It was like witnessing this crazy cartoon where everything is happening at once and then you suddenly realise that you're not quite sure if there's any plot!
I'd written a little poem about "saving the planet", but with the mad rush of the whole day there wasn't time to read it. Still, I don't think that there were any words that I could create that could truly capture how crazy that day was!
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A Spoon and an Egg
After spending a week in the City of Angels and assuming the necessary positions on Hollywood's revered casting couches, the dynamic duo made it back to England just in time to do Saturday's show live and direct. Still quite jet-lagged and still exhibiting all the usual signs of "air cabin-fever" (y'know, excitingly enthusing over the little free travel-packs that you get with the fancy blindfold, the tiny toothpaste and the brightly coloured socks!), Russell and Matt were there to greet me at the R2 studios.
"Hey Gee!! What's been happening... anything exciting?"
What could I say? "It's been raining, it's been raining, it's been raining, it's been raining.......oh, and central London is awash with armed police on a raised terror alert...nah, nothin' really!". It's been a strange week of change hasn't it? The U.K. went smoke-free, Mr Brown finally hit the number 1 spot (by moving into number 10) and Tim Henman suprisingly got knocked out of Wimbledon (ok, maybe not everything has changed!).
With so much heavy drama occurring all around us, it was actually quite refreshing to hear the voice of 10 year old Sarah call into the show. She brought a little bit of innocence back as she asked Russell about how he does his hair and talked about her school sports day. Ahhh..... sports day, that brings back memories! My school used to hold these weird events for us to compete in, which had NO relevence whatsoever in the real world of sport. The egg-and-spoon race, the sack-race, the three-legged race... c'mon! what were they all about?
Realistically, what can you honestly tell a wide-eyed 9 year old who's full of hope for the future and has just won the egg-and-spoon race final for the third year running? "Well done son, nice work! If you keep practicing every day, you might make the Olympic team!". Such events should be banned, as they build up children's hopes too high and don't properly prepare them for the big bad world that lays ahead. Anyway I'm not bitter, I still have the trophies and I had the school record.... and no rain, sleet, hail or snow can take that from me!
stay safe people.
Sunshine
Much like a trial or test that's finally complete,
Hopes for a future success can bypass past defeats,
Even though the strawberries are sweet, let us add a little cream,
Placed in a first-class sickbag with a note and a scheme,
(As the rain cries, I pray for the sunshine)
As they get-back all jet-lagged, Matt's nabbed for tea-bags,
A video star in glad-rags, hittin' moguls with more blag,
Flying the flag, making air hostesses glad,
But why bother with them when there's flamingoes to be had?
(and as their eyes cry, I'll pray for the sunshine)
The last night, the last trip,
The last cigarette is lit,
Sarah won all her events, then tried to make her hair big,
I hope that next week she wins her game dressed in her little sports kit,
So when the rain dies, she'll smile at the sunshine!
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