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Away with the Chomskys
Wow! I always thought that it would take something really major to fall the wrong side of Noam Chomsky.
After all, here is a man who was a fervent protester against the Vietnam War, the bombing of Hiroshima and has been an ardent critic of US foreign policy for several decades.
I guess that the idea of joining our little raggle taggle band of "revolutionaries" and turning us into a philosophical force to be reckoned with, was a tad beyond the realm of many of our progressive thinkers.
T'was a strange show indeed last week. We cruised the seas of contraflow, courageously chasing that most elusive of prizes: how do we coax a chuckle out of Chomsky?The best plan of action was to try and impress him with our commitment to the revolution. First off we had Mr Nibs take some snuff live on air, (well at least I hope that it was snuff, it was just some weird stuff I saw lying underneath the main desk) such an action may seem irrelevent to some, but it proves that we are indeed willing to take risks (especially when it comes to Mr Nibs!)
Then we had Victoria Wood reveal that she had to buy Russell a cup of coffee, because his ridiculously tight trousers hold no means to carry cash, again this was to show Noam our disdain for the material world.Suddenly Rainbow George came up with a solution for Russell's cash-holding predicament by suggesting that he "creates money" by simply waving his magical wand (or dreadlock).
The next thing you know, Noel Gallagher's wading in to debate with Russell over who could run London better with all this newly acquired "Abracadabra Money".
Now if that doesn't invoke a "Chomsky Chuckle"....nothing will.
A Wonderful World
In the instant of a moment,
It's a befitting component,
A manifesto based on expresso,
Watch the bar doors swing open,
Noam's not a happy Chomsky,
His philosophy has already probably,
Linked the ethics of snuff ingestion,
To George's expressions of authority,
Oddly enough, it IS a world of wonders
And one wonders what London would become from,
"Twinkle Toe" Noel fixing our woes under the tundra,
Yet an electorial blunder, could see Russell thrown into the hot seat,
Inviting every single animal into Parliament regardless of their sexuality
And where's Matt amidst all this?
Sailing the ocean blue?
He's probably plotting away with the Chomskys,
Getting ready to plan his coup!
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The Return of the Goth Detectives
Finally at last, the fabled "Booky Wook" is complete! After toiling away tenaciously in the therapeutic setting of Tuscanny, Russell has added the final strokes to his all-telling tome. After which, it was then a simple matter of a hop skip and and aeroplane jump to arrive back in London, just in time to do the radio show. Matt Morgan was away and so we put it out to the listeners: who did they think should be a temporary replacement?
The answer was resounding: we had countless e-mails with "Reunite the Goth Detectives" emblazoned in capitals, bold print, italics and underlined. They came in all sorts of colours and a variety of different fonts: "Courier New", "Rockwell Extra Bold" and even the highly controversial "Webdings 3" were all employed to hammer home a single request. Yes, it appears that the pairing of Brand and Fielding as the self-styled "supersleuths in boots" were extremely popular during last year's "The Big Fat Quiz of the Year" on television.
Now it was time for their radio debut. So enter stage left Noel Fielding of the Mighty Boosh fame, throw in some strange moon dreams, an over enthusiastic red squirrel fan and a dreadlock that's ever growing out of control! Sounds like a perfect job for the Goth Detectives!!!!
Wogan's Den
Of Dreams we weaved and Wasabi cleaned,
In Wogan's den we speak,
Of confused moons on fire consumed,
And producers obviously needing sleep,
There's pleasuring showers and dreadlock power,
That astronauts eat as treats,
There's grasshopper grooming and grey squirrel stewing,
Now Noel's Facebook's complete,
So would YOU vote for a Mayor Brand to make decisions across the land,
From Wogan's den and speak?
He'd probably make his start to top the lesbian charts,
And demand 100 gasps he can keep,
With lost legs barbequed now making the news,
As Courtney rushes to speak,
Tune into Radio 2 to see what else we can do,
Something Brand Spanking New for next week!
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Conker Stompers
Conker season is upon us and the streets will soon be littered with their various shapes and sizes all awaiting their day of reckoning. Considering that the ultimate aspiration for all chestnuts is to essentially become a tree, it must be quite a step down to be picked up by a grubby schoolkid, have a piece of string placed through you and then end up splattered on a playground floor. Inadvertantly, it seems that the humble game of conkers also appears to double up as an effective form of tree contraception!
Do kids actually play conkers anymore? I'd always thought that this noble childhood game had pretty much gone the same way as Top Trumps and Penny Football. I was never much of a big conker-enthusiast in school but a lot of my friends were. I used to marvel at them as they would spend hours rummaging around different trees in the park, focused on a quest to find the ultimate conker. It apparently had to be the right size, the right weight and the right age (you can tell that we hadn't discovered girls yet!). Kids who had no interest in biology or chemistry whatsoever, would then consult various scientific books in the library in order to seek the highly coveted knowledge that would assist them in increasing their conker's lifespan.
Some would employ a variety of elaborate rituals to ensure them success. This consisted of soaking the conker in salt water, baking it in an oven, hanging it out to dry on a tombstone in a graveyard and one kid even went so far as to beheading his sister's Barbie doll on the night of a full moon as a sacrifice to the almighty Conker Gods! (oh yeah, conker competitions were quite a serious business in my day!).
I felt slightly let down when I found out that such esoteric preparation techniques are now prohibited in the World Conker Championships. I reckon that there must have been a big scandal many years ago, which resulted in the Conker Comission being forced to regulate the sport. They probably test today's participants for the use of anabolic steroids and search them in case they're smuggling in illegal conkers!
In the next show, Russell will be back from Booky Wooking in Tuscany and Matt will be off for two weeks (looking for conkers?). We'll also be checking out your radio jingles, so keep sending them in.
The Unique Verse at the end of the Restaurant
Waiter, Waiter!! I'm now ready to place my order,
I've been perusing your list of moorish delights, through which my eyes have been exploring,
According to the menu, the "Matteus Morgan" is of a good year,
And the windows in this venue are cleaned by orphan funds to remain clear,
The chef's recommendation is: Russell & Lily sprinkling a-la-carte,
And judging by the strumming, they'll be swinging to keep their conkers hard,
Such a heart meal can cause a clasp to break from belts,
And for desert we serve the finest yoghurts from boobs that greatly swell,
As well as after-dinner mints, we offer a selection of condoms and bibs,
To give your visits to the sex-acuzzi an unusually special lift,
As for a tip? well the service IS included like a "pertruding dreadlocker"
Maybe pregnant beatles should seek their weight advice from an insect McKenna body doctor!
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Sign for this item please sir
The infamous rootin' tootin' boots appeared to have gripped the nation. Not since Elizabeth Hurley wore "that dress" by Versace, has the world of glamour fashion been shaken to a complete standstill. OK maybe not quite a complete standstill, more of a sharp intake of breath. Much in the same way that the ever-optimistic Big Bird and the ever-pessimistic Oscar emanate from one and the same being, the presence of the boots appears to have divided Brand colleagues and fans alike.
This show was prerecorded (because on Saturday we were all at the live gig in Hackney) and it was thus filled to the brim with items galore. Everywhere your lil' mind could possibly dare to wander, there was an item awaiting you. We had a: "gay penguin" item, a "pornography" item, a "where to place a DVD" item and even a "woolly monkey birthing technique" item (very popular with our Simian listeners that is). It was also good to see the return of Matt's beloved "Cultural Review", this was an old 6music item where Matt attempts to review something cultural without being interrupted by Russell (not suprisingly this is a feat that has yet to be completed).
Congratulations to Noel and his newly-born baby boy "Donovan". No doubt a tiny little pair of skull-encrusted booties are being delivered to his door as we speak. Perhaps we should have an "Angry dad burns boots" item for next week!
Blame it on the Booties
Could we soon see a mutiny over the little booties?
As fingers point accusingly and Mamma McKenna texts accusingly,
Confusingly, gay penguins apparently don't know what to do you see,
And pornographic loyalty just ain't what it used to be, (where's that DVD?)
Amusingly, Russ & Big Bird shared a murmour and beautifully,
Might create a little brood of rat-suit Oscars delivered dutifully,
As Noel offers parental advice, another item exclusively
Is the explanation of Renault-Rhino relations....is it love?...Indisputably!
In the Cultural review we see, Matt coughing & wheezing untruthfully,
After pushing Russell into a whelchair and claiming comedic immunity,
Who can believe a Royal Variety Performance being stormed by big boots and see,
A man named "Brand" called to court for some water-sport tomfoolery!
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