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The Mighty Mr. Capes
This week we had Geoff Capes (who was once the World's Strongest Man) phone into the show and speak about his budgerigars (No, it's NOT a euphemism!). Now I used to watch the "World's Strongest Man" with awe when I was a kid. Here you could see these huge bulking giants pulling buses, hurling beer kegs and lifting large round boulders in an attempt to outdo each other and claim the coveted accolade of being the strongest man in the world.
The best event though was the tug-of-war. This was where you'd see the contestants battle it out man-against-man, strength-for-strength, pound-for-pound on either side of a length of rope. The drama was so intense that even the commentator's voice sometimes strained with exasperation (or possibly delight?) at the theatrics of it all. When Geoff won it, he instantly became a household name as children up and down the country cheered at their television sets.
As kids we loved Geoff Capes, we thought he could do anything. I'm sure that in the back of our minds many of us think that today's world problems could still be solved by Geoff moving a couple of boulders and chucking a few beer kegs! Surely Geoff could save Camden market, stop gorillas sexually harrassing the female zoo employees, elucidate Matt and Russell about the true origin of sweetcorn and still be home in time for breakfast in the morning!
Next week we're going to be in Blackpool, where we'll finally be celebrating our No 1 podcast status by fulfilling our original promise of broadcasting from an ice-cream van on the promenade. Please send in some suggestions for any activities that you'd like to see us participate in. Apologies to all who have been awaiting this event for months, but what do you honestly expect when you rely on comedians and poets to organise stuff? Perhaps we should've called Geoff Capes!
All Creatures Great and Small
They say that all the world is a stage,
So permit me to engage,
And encrypt in this transcript a verbal trip to quickly say,
In a place where flashing's deemed as "quaint",
and market forces lead the way,
and gorillas dribble over nipples unless they've been crippled from school days!
Does Matt have an infatuation with the sweetcorn family tree?
Do horses have multiple relations even under the sea?
Monkey "expert" information just ain't what it used to be,
Perhaps the confusion arises from rides on large cups of tea.
So if your stage includes the entire world,
Encompassing primates, boys and girls,
Next week we'll perform for even animals, minerals and vegetables,
And serve them all ice cream with a twirl!
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Trigger Happy Radio
Over the years I have witnessed on many occasions, what I can only describe as: the ubiquitous "Rule of Dumb!". Now in order to experience this ancient rule being properly implemented, all that you need is for one person to have a spur-of-the-moment idea and for his two mates to nod in agreement without giving it much thought, then.......hey presto! the dumbness takes over.
The spontaneous idea in question was the suggestion that we should all take some herbal pills live on air and conduct the show collectively defying the forces of gravity. The pills were jokingly given to Matt as a birthday present and advertised an ability to stimulate our nether regions like the top shelf of a newsagent. However the only thing that they seemed to do, was to open up the doors to an weird abstract world of the smurfs, Trotters' trading company and flasbacks of Elvis's '68 comeback special!
Why do people generally assume that if something says "Natural" or "Herbal" then it's got to be automatically good for you? Socrates didn't do much more philosophising after he drank some "Herbal" hemlock did he? And what about in the A-Team all that "natural" milk that Hannibal used to give B.A. so that he could get him on a plane? Think about it, for all the herbal concoctions that Gargamel cooked up, did he ever catch one lousy smurf?.... I rest my case.
But the "rule of dumb" had to prevail and ashamedly we even dragged the actor Roger Lloyd Pack (who famously starred as "Trigger" from "Only Fools and Horses") into the warped surreal mix of the show (though I must add he was hardly reluctant!). I could see our producer Nick's jaw drop in disbelief as events just got stranger and stranger. I even started to entertain a paranoid thought that maybe Zippy had secretly slipped these herbal pills to us in retaliation! At the end of the broadcast, we walked out into the night and headed off to check out that party. The Herbal Idiots had left the building....
Tales of the Un-erectedIf expectations are to be expected,
And dictators are to be accepted,
Erections are now requested,
Herbally corrected, yet kept protected,
Let's inject with: Noel the roving reporter, who's quite frankly ineffective.
Quaffing nibbles after a tipple on the toilet demanding to be respected,
The Smurf collective have now been thoroughly represented,
But you can't trust 'em through customs like an Elvis voice just projected,
So what's the best bit to be selected from this crazy zoned-out perspective?
A "throaty voice" detected? or hurricane names inspected?
"Trigger" looks perplexed with,
Our offer to be organically infected,
I guess that it should now be accepted, on this show just expect the unexpected!
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Uncensored, Uncut, Unzipped!
Holy Basking Shark's Fin Batman!
During my time spent here, I have witnessed on many an occasion when we've driven close to the edge in terms of broadcast material. The numerous "Drug-brella" tales, the abundance of sexual references and the admittance of past misdemeanours have all raised more than a few eyebrows behind the scenes here. But I think that we may have overstepped the mark this time when Russell annoyed Zippy from Rainbow who then promptly hung up on him during the show!
Even David Walliams from "Little Britain" shook his head in disbelief when it became apparent that we were unable to ring back and apologise. This is after all Zippy, probably the most powerful one-armed, three fingered, orange-bodied, blue-eyed bandit to ever set sail on the seven seas. The minute that the line went dead I had images of him chilling on a boat in the South of France, barking orders at his horde of armed minions like some 1960's James Bond villan: "Bring me the head of Russell Brand!"
Zippy has to be well connected, he's probably the children's television equivalent of a "made man" (a "made muppet" if you will). He's put in work with Bungle, Spiderman, Dr Who and the Daleks, we're talking some serious muscle here, one phone call from the ol' Zipster and we could all be sleeping with the fishes... or the sharks even! So who do you think that Russell should call in order to restore the peace? I think that a well placed plea to Barney or Mr Snuffleluffagus should be able to smooth things out!
Attack of the Quail Eggs
What do you call it when needle touches vinyl and laser hits the disc?
Mp3's just excite you and podcasts are never missed.
It started with a kiss, or a desert island wish,
To have a dirty-late-night-chat about Beano club membership.
In a cinema,
A spectacular,
Exposure of an external bra,
A "Wogan wink" a Moomin link,
Zippy swiftly driven to his fuming brink,
And who could think, Sunshine TV causing Matthew to blink,
Or Russell enjoying Mr Woodward so his wood would not limp!
What do you call it when comedic minds intertwine?
One-liners flowing like a river of sharks basking with a smile,
And all the while, with this "camp competition" there's only one way to go,
Let's watch the biggest ego paint the whole town with a Rainbow!
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Up Above the Streets and Houses
After flying high coming in over from the Isle of Man (where I observed Russell eloquently conversing with the fairies on "Fairy Bridge") and traversing across the Irish Sea, "Team Brand" finally arrived in the good city of Dublin. Once we touched down, we had to: quickly book into the hotel, immediately speed off to the studio to pre-record the radio show, then whizz back to the hotel to change, before preparing for a live show that evening (ah yeah....rock n' roll baby!).
Unfortunately there wasn't much scope to check out many of Dublin's sights, most of our time spent was a mad rush crossing town. We briefly saw the river Liffey, the buzzing Temple Bar region and the huge Millenium Spire on O'Connell St which was affectionately called the "Stilhetto in the Ghetto" or the "Stiffy by the Liffey" (I just love the rhymes!). The hotel that we stayed in was apparently owned by Bono and gave a marvellous panoramic view of the city (well actually only from Russell's huge penthouse suite!). But big fun was had by all in Dublin, it's definitely a place that I'd like to go back to. I got into an amusing conversation with this one cab driver who had a huge repertoire of X-rated limericks. Sadly none of them were broadcastable, so I figured that I'd try and write one myself for the show.
The radio show had a surreal twist to it with Russell and Matt earnestly debating over which children's television character they would most like to sleep with. Fraggles, Moomins and Wombles all made the highly coveted short-list (alas, Zippy, George and Bungle didn't really get a look in!). So if there are any serious Tellytubby (ahem) "enthusiasts" or if it's Moschops that floated your boat, let us know. Remember your secrets are safe with us......and the fairies!
Quick Limericks
There once was a young comic called Russell,
Whose Octopig thoughts were quite lustful,
'Til one night out wooing,
He lay down with a Moomin,
His excuse was: He wanted a cuddle!
There was once a young writer named Matt,Who drew the sun with it's face all intact,
His little eyes glistened,
At Uncle Bulgaria's "wisdom"
then ran with "Mad-Kev" from Hannibal Cat!
There once was a young poet called GeeWho arrived in Ireland to see,
And convey this to you,
Only on Radio 2,
This Limerick'd style of Poetry!
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